🏈 SEASON PREDICTIONS 2025 — THE SIMPSONS EDITION🏈

OOOOOOOOOO baby!!!! Are you ready for some football!?!?!!!!

Because I am. And just like Quinshon Judkins on a date, I didn’t ask for consent.

So… Before we start– I have a confession to make. It’s been eating away at me and I have to get it off my chest…

I tried to cheat.

“Oh my god, I knew it.”

“Thats how he has so many championships!”

“Of course he cheats, he’s so handsome and women throw themselves at him!”

No, no, no. Not that kind of cheating- even worse.

…I tried to cheat on my season predictions…

I know, I know. I am as ashamed as anyone. More ashamed than Homer was when Mr. Burns paid him to dress up like a panda.

Anyway- I uploaded my past 4 season predictions into Chat GPT along with this year's fantasy draft results. I told it to mimic my writing style and write a new prediction for 2025.

And let me tell you, ChatGPT is a total dick. It wanted me to write awful things about you all. Stuff I would never say. Personal insults. Criticisms of your life choices. Stuff barely related to football.

And here are some of my favorites:

“Like a good neighbor, Jeff still can’t win.”

C’mon ChatGPT! Jeff is my cousin ! I’d never say that. Also, how do you even know he works for State Farm?

“Yo Hector, Ashton Jeanty is just ok.”

A bit weird since Jeanty isn’t even on Hector’s team.

“Da Crusher? Please. Bill’s basically Da Foot Fetish.”

Whoa! Okay Chat GPT.

“In analyzing your season predictions over the last 4 years- they have been incredibly inaccurate. Like statistically it’s really impressive how wrong they have been.”

“Adam is so nice he apologizes to his players when he benches them.”

I kinda feel like that one might be true…

Enough of AI. I can’t be replaced. So here we go again. Fourteen teams. Fourteen disasters waiting to happen. And this year, I finally figured it out: our league isn’t just a league… it’s Springfield. Each of you is a Simpsons character. Some of you are obvious (Adam), some of you are tragic (John), and some of you are just Chief Wiggum with a kicker fetish (Bill).

So let’s see who’s headed for glory, who’s headed for the Kwik-E-Mart, and who’s going to end up crying like Ralph Wiggum being rejected by Lisa.

1. Da Crusher! (Bill) = Chief Wiggum

CMC, Jefferson, Mahomes, and Puka… this roster is built like a superteam. But Bill is Chief Wiggum — bumbling, distracted, and destined to trip over his own shoelaces at the worst possible time.

Every year he drafts like a genius, then manages like he’s asleep in the squad car while donuts (kickers) take over.

2. Vindicators (Jeff) = Principal Skinner

Jeff preps like an overworked school administrator — binders, laminated charts, hours of study. And yet, come Sunday, it’s always “Pathetic.”

His roster looks elite — Bijan, Tyreek, Wilson, Hurts, Kelce — but Jeff is Skinner: forever organized, forever lecturing, and forever outsmarted by the kids (the rest of us).

3. The Ooze (Shawn) = Professor Frink

Shawn is Frink — the mad scientist. In the lab he’s splitting proteins; in the draft he’s splitting us all apart. His team (Gibbs, Etienne, Olave, Kincaid) is the Ooze: disgusting, effective, inevitable.

Every year we think maybe the experiment fails. Every year it mutates into another playoff run.

4. Springfieldians (Bobby) = Bart Simpson

Bobby is Bart. Chaotic, juvenile, always up to something. He drafted Ja’Marr Chase and then filled the rest of his roster with rookies like Marvin Harrison Jr. and TreVeyon Henderson.

Jamison Williams — Bobby’s wide receiver number two. DraftKings wide receiver, number one.

If they hit? Bobby’s the class clown pulling off the prank of the year. If they flop? Eat my shorts.

5. Laredo (Adam) = Ned Flanders

Adam is Flanders. Too nice, too polite, too wholesome for this league. His roster (Saquon, Kamara, Higgins, Herbert, JSN) is balanced and boring — just like Ned’s sweaters.

Adam is so nice he apologizes to his players when he benches them.

Expect a huge year from Saquon Barkley. Or as I like to call him, Saquon Bark-ed up the wrong tree and now I’m in the end zone-ley.

Yeah, nicknames have never been my thing.

How could someone without any kids have such strong dad jokes?

I aged fast, guys. Just ask my knees.

6. the ladykiller (Tom) = Homer Simpson

Yeah, I’m Homer. Still rocking the same name since 2006, still reaching for players like Malik Nabers because I’m weak for chaos.

Jacobs, Lamar, Nabers, Burden. Half brilliance, half disaster. But you know what? Homer always stumbles into success eventually. (Right?)

This roster is basically me fixing the sink: a few good swings, then water everywhere.

7. Legion of Boomers (Ben) = Abe Simpson

Ben is Grandpa Simpson. His team (CeeDee, Mike Evans, Burrow, Kyler) is half elite, half AARP. Every Sunday it’s another “Back in my day…” speech.

Peyton Manning set the record with 5,477 passing yards and 55 touchdowns in 2013. Joe Burrow will beat that this year.

By Week 10, this squad will be napping in the recliner.

8. Tornado Sandwich (Mike) = Comic Book Guy

Mike is Comic Book Guy: pretends to know everything, drafts like he’s smarter than us, and ends up hoarding old collectibles nobody wants.

His WR group (Davante, Diggs, Kupp) is basically a nostalgia tour. Throw in Baker Mayfield and it’s Worst. Draft. Ever.

9. Ashton has good Jeantys (Ty) = Milhouse Van Houten

Ty is Milhouse. Earnest, harmless, and destined to be overlooked. Naming your team after Ashton Jeanty? Peak Milhouse energy.

Over the past 20 years, rookie backs taken in the top 10 have averaged 202 carries for 892 yards and seven rushing scores in their debut seasons. With a 17th game unavailable to many of those other backs, Jeanty is set up to smash expectations.

Jeanty, James Cook, DeVonta, LaPorta — fine. Caleb Williams might save him. Or not. Because Milhouse.

10. Dynasty (Hector) = Fat Tony

Hector is Fat Tony. Literally an NFL agent, constantly working shady backroom deals, and somehow always coming out ahead.

AJ Brown, DK, Stroud, Walker. Solid. But the rest looks like a ransom note.

11. Ertz so good (Spencer) = Reverend Lovejoy

Spencer is Lovejoy: juggling too many flocks (13 leagues), losing interest in all of them, and phoning it in by midseason.

Hall, Pollard, Nico, Fields. Looks fine, but you know he’s forgetting to set lineups by Week 7.

12. T-Bone (Thomas W) = Moe Szyslak

This is Moe’s Tavern: sad, stale, and filled with has-beens. Josh Allen is his one hot bartender. The rest (Deebo, Sutton, Keenan, Henry) are crusty barflies.

You walk in, order a drink, and leave depressed. That’s T-Bone.

13. Player Haters (John) = Krusty the Clown

John is Krusty. He “retires” every year, comes back every year, and it’s always sadder than the last time.

Kyren, Conner, Jayden Daniels. That’s not a roster, that’s a circus act.

14. ’79 Steelers (Lance) = Ralph Wiggum

Lance is Ralph. Clueless, chaotic, and always hurting himself. Drafted Calvin Ridley again like, “I choo-choo-choose you.”

Amon-Ra and Kittle are fine, but this isn’t Steel Curtain. It’s Finger Paint Curtain.

My team is in danger.

At the end of the day, this league is Springfield: messy, chaotic, and full of lovable idiots who somehow keep the show going year after year.